Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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