Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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