I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
