I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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