I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
