I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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