My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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