Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
