Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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