Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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