I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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