I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can I color on your dick again?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
