He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
