How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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