weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
