I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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