Just mADE A PArabola og urine
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need to stop coming to work sober
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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