tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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