Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
