I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
