Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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