i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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