eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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