We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
