White coat. Heels.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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