I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
