you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
