I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
