We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
