speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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