sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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