Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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