trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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