Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
