The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
