I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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