my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
