dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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