accomplished twins. life is a go
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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