life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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