Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
