your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
