I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when Iām eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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