My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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