i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
