I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
