You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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