I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
