Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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