but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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