he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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