I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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