u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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