When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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